Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Stuck in a Void

Life is changing and I don't like it.

All my life i have always known what was the next step going to be. It has always come to me...instinctively. I haven't ever made lists of pros and cons. I havent ever sat down and thought about things. I have just always known. It may mean I may have gone down some wrong paths and made some mistakes. But I have never really regreted many of those. If you stray, you correct your path. And the moment to change paths, moment to move, have also been known to me. By instinct. Always.

And suddenly I am not getting those traffic signals in my head. GO? NO GO? I suddenly don't -just know. For years I knew what came next. And if I didnt know what was going to happen 5-10 years from then, it didn't bother me. It was exciting. It was a time and space of unlimited possiblities. It was the rush of knowing that anything can happen.

But now the not knowing is scary. Not knowing the chart for the next 5-10 years is scary. I don't feel in control and I don't like it. Life is happening around me. But it isn't touching me. Things are moving all around me. But I'm not making it happen. I'm not hearing that voice in my head that gives me directions. I am living. But I'm not making life happen.

Even my dreams have become blurry. Is it just that I have become cynical? Or is it that I'm refusing to deal with change?

I would like to say that I'm standing my unlimited roads in front and my traffic lights are switched off...but the real frightening thing is that I don't even see the roads.

I'm stuck in a Void. And I can't see out.

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